Virtuous Circle Counselling

What Not To Say During Couples Counselling

What Not To Say During Couples Counselling

The purpose of couples counselling in Calgary is for you and your partner to get to the bottom of things, communicate better, and address any problems so that you can repair your relationship.

Before you say anything, remember that marriage counselling isn’t just to fix your problems. The goal of couple’s therapy is to save your relationship. It’s easy to get sidetracked by feelings of anger and frustration, and no one wants to feel judged. However, it’s important to remember that telling it like it is won’t help you repair your relationship. Here are a few things that you should not tell your marriage counsellor.

“Please don’t tell my spouse..”

Saying things like “Don’t tell my husband/wife this, but ….” is a big red flag in the field of couples counselling. One of the most important functions of married life is to be able to have a safe relationship with someone who knows you intimately. That’s why it’s so surprising for a spouse to think that something s/he says in a couple’s session is not something their partner needs to know about. In addition, counsellors need to remain a neutral party and cannot take sides or keep secrets on your behalf.

“I think you’re wrong”

If you’re in couple’s therapy and your therapist starts to give you some suggestions or directions about things for you to try, and you just turn around and shoot it down, guess what? It tells them something and you may  end up spending a lot more time in therapy talking about why it seems so aversive for you to accept even some of the smallest suggestions and directions your counsellor is providing.

“I’ve had it/ I want a divorce”

Many people threaten leaving their spouse when they’re feeling frustrated and upset. It’s a natural reaction to have, but it’s not particularly effective, nor is it likely to make you feel any better. It’s just a knee-jerk way of reacting, with no effort on the person’s part to really understand the problem or attempt to resolve it. We’ve all said things like this in the heat of the moment, and then ended up regretting them later. In couple’s therapy, the goal is to try to help couples talk about and work through their problems. Then to help them develop skills for working with each other more productively in the future.

The above is not to say that you shouldn’t be honest with your marriage counsellor. Honesty is very important in any relationship, especially for a good marriage or marriage counselling. It’s just that a counsellor can become your advocate, but never should he/she feel like an enemy or an opponent to either spouse.

As you can see, there are many things that we shouldn’t say during couples counselling in Calgary. Some are reactive or unproductive. Others may clue the other person into your current feelings about them or the relationship, which may not be what you want them to know just yet. Rather than risk saying one of these things, if you feel yourself wanting to say one, take a step back and ask yourself if this is true? If it is, have you talked about it with your spouse? What outcome do you hope your spouse will produce (if any) by hearing this statement? Is this an area that you would like to work on together as a couple, or do you think it’s something that only you can work on?

If you’re looking for professional help to enhance your relationship, we offer Couples Counselling in Kelowna as well.

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We at Virtuous Circle Counselling acknowledge Moh’kinstsis, the lands where the Bow and Elbow rivers meet, in what we currently call Calgary. We acknowledge that we are visitors on Moh’kinsstis and acknowledge the Blackfoot are those who named this area as Moh’kinsstis. In the spirit of Truth and Reconciliation, we recognize the ancestral territories, cultures, and oral practices of the Blackfoot people, the Îyarhe Nakoda Nations, the Dene people of the Tsuut’ina Nation, and the Métis Nation of Alberta, Region 3.