Gottman Couples Therapy – Virtuous Circle Counselling

The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couple’s therapy that was studied by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Robert Levenson. The Gottman Method is built on the idea of developing a “sound relationship house” with a strong foundation, solid walls to protect the couple from the storms of life, and a roof to provide shelter and comfort. 

What Is the Gottman Method?

The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couples therapy focusing on marital stability and relationship satisfaction. The approach was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who have been studying marriage for over four decades.

The Gottman Method is divided into three parts:

1. The Sound Relationship House Theory
2. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
3. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Sound Relationship House Theory

The Sound Relationship House Theory posits that there are nine elements that contribute to a strong and stable marriage:

1. Trust
2. Friendship
3. Commitment
4. Shared Meaning
5. Positive Sentiment Override
6. The Positive Perspective
7. Good Will
8. Turning Towards Each Other
9. The Magic Ratio

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work are based on the Gottmans’ research on what makes marriages succeed or fail. The principles are:

1. Enhance your love maps
2. Nurture your fondness and admiration
3. Turn towards each other instead of away
4. Let your partner influence you
5. Solve your solvable problems
6. Overcome gridlock
7. Create shared meaning

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Gottman’s Method

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor used by John Gottman to describe the four characteristics of failing relationships. The four characteristics are:

1. Criticism

In Gottman’s words, “Criticism is an attack on your partner’s character or personality. It is different from complaining in the sense that with criticism, you are not simply expressing a problem, you are attacking your partner.” Criticism is different from complaining in the sense that with criticism, you are not simply expressing a problem, you are attacking your partner.

2. Contempt

In Gottman’s words, “Contempt is an attack on your partner’s sense of self, usually using sarcasm and insults. It is the most toxic of the four horsemen because it is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts and feelings.” Contempt is the most toxic of the four horsemen because it is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts and feelings.

3. Defensiveness

In Gottman’s words, “Defensiveness is a way of responding to a partner’s complaint or criticism by turning the blame back on him or her.” Defensiveness is a way of responding to a partner’s complaint or criticism by turning the blame back on them.

4. Stonewalling

In Gottman’s words, “Stonewalling is the emotional withdrawal from an interaction. It is the opposite of engagement. The stonewaller is not trying to de-escalate the conflict but is instead shutting down.” Stonewalling is the emotional withdrawal from an interaction. It is the opposite of engagement. The stonewaller is not trying to de-escalate the conflict but is instead shutting down.

How the Gottman Method Can Help with Your Relationship

The Gottman Method is a special form of couples therapy that has been shown to be highly effective in helping couples improve their relationships. This therapy is most successful when both partners are genuinely committed to making the relationship work and have a positive outlook about what they hope to achieve through therapy. The Gottman Method can be used with couples of any background, and has been proven to be especially helpful for same-sex couples.

There are two situations in which the Gottman Method should not be used. While this strategy can be used to handle infidelity, it is not recommended when there is an ongoing extramarital affair. The existence of domestic violence is another contraindication.

Additional specialized therapy may be necessary in the context of a drug use problem. If there is mental health comorbidity, the therapist may refer to a psychiatrist, and if there is a suspected underlying medical concern, the therapist may refer to a physician.

Conclusion

The Gottman Method is a way of couples counselling that is based on research on what makes relationships work. It is designed to help couples improve communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy. The Gottman Method can be used to save a relationship that is in trouble, or to improve a relationship that is already doing well.